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Time's Run Out

Growing Up... [Monday ♥ 12/29/14 ♥ 21:05PM]
Wow! Here I am, days before 2015 and my life is so insanely different from my last entry. 2014 has been an incredibly year for growth... I ran a mini triathlon the day I graduated from UTSA with my Masters in Justice Policy! I did it and well, it was Epic to say the least. I went to Costa Rica last December, followed by a trip to North Carolina (where I thought I would be after school), went to Spain for a 10 day study abroad (with a weekend trip to Rome), countless trips to Austin, a trip to South Padre Island for the first time, Houston, Illnois (at the passing of my grandfather), and numerous trips to Colorado for an interview that has landed me here...

Day One to the rest of my current life lol I am no longer living in Texas... In fact I moved back to Colorado just a week and a half ago. I began my career with CSUPD as a Police Officer, sorta lol I still need to go through the academy (Beginning Jan 12th).

I wanted to take the time to document this experience. I think it's crucial with everything happening in the world. It's a scary place for people right now... Between the Mike Brown shooting in Ferguson, Eric Garner's death in NY and the execution of two NYPD officers (that have made the media, I'm positive there's a lot more going on)... This is a very sensitive time. I have questions, fears, thoughts... And I wanted an open atmosphere to express those things. So here I am... Talking about my day to day life throughout the mini academy into the real academy. These are my own, individual thoughts, opinions, feelings and expressions through -my- experiences. I hope we all gain something from this... In a time where the system needs change and has needed change, I'm choosing to do it from the inside, becoming part of it.

I guess it's important to understand the process that I went through to get here. My educational background: I graduated from CSU in 09 with my bachelors in psychology and sociology with a concentration in criminology and criminal justice. I recently graduated from UTSA with my masters in justice policy... So I am well versed in the research. I spent 5 years working in psychiatric hospitals and have a working knowledge of people and different disorders. I think that's one of my strongest assets and will be so vital in this line of work.

It started in August and I went through 3 rounds. The first one consisted of an intense interview involving ethics and scenarios that police encounter. The second round was my physical agility test and my interview with the chief of police. My final round consisted of a physical, psychological, and polygraph exams.

My first day was today. 7 people were hired this round... 6 of the 7 of us have completed some kind of POST academy. I am the Lone Ranger who still needs to go. So for the next two weeks I will join everyone else in the. I I academy through administrative stuff and then begin the official academy Jan 12th. 22 weeks.

Today was insane. I could not be happier and so overwhelmed at the same time. Everyone was so amazingly nice handling my questions and confused looks. It was like listening to a foreign language today. I don't understand guns or why you would want to carry two handcuffs instead of one. We don't learn those things on the academic side. Today was a lot of basics (mission, values, etc)... And equipment issuing. And of course I was getting Nylon for the academy and leather for real. Shopping for boots, and different handcuff keys, knives, holsters and level II kelvin vs. level III... Being fitted for my uniform made it all too real.

My life dreams and goals... I was living them today and not just daydreaming about being the next Olivia Benson but being the next Officer Alisha Zellner.

Everyone let me pick their brains about the academy and helped settle my fears. Either way... This life truly has to be taken one day at a time. I'm exhausted. It's time for some self-care (snuggling up with some hot apple cider and an episode or two of Criminal Minds). I plan on doing my best to update daily if not weekly. I think it's important to remember all these emotions I'm going through now and rewarding myself through each milestone. Besides... The Sarg has already challenged me to Top Academic and Top Marksman. Game on! L8ERS

Time's Run Out

Love Yourself [Wednesday ♥ 01/02/13 ♥ 14:59PM]

I truly can't believe it's a new year. The time really flies. It doesn't feel real... 2013. Man, I remember just promising myself in 2011 that by 2012 I wanted to be out of Colorado. Here I am.. Building a life in Texas. Surreal doesn't even begin to describe everything that happened in the last few months.

It's different. School is probably one of the best decisions I've ever made. I proved to myself in my first semester that I've still got it and that I'm really talented. I have to stop being so hard on myself.

That's part of my goal this year. To love myself again. I spent all of 2008 learning to love myself and tragic incidences and being hard on myself has thrown me backwards. This year it's about getting back to that place. It's gonna be hard but I know how to do it.

I learned to love last year. Real love. Being vulnerable and allowing someone in. It's a beautiful thing. I really have no words to describe it. One of life's true treasures.

Growing pains are hard. I've completely flipped my world upside down. But with time I know I'll get the hang of it. I just have to explore and find my adventurous side again. I have things lined up on the horizon. Work starts again next week, school in two weeks. I'm grabbing this year by the reins.

I need to write more. Sometimes I rely on other people to work through my thoughts... But i didn't get this far by doing that. I know how to write and work through them the same way. It's how you really learn about yourself. It's why I'm so balanced. Because I can do this. I'm an incredible woman with a lot to offer.

This year I'm not just gonna live EPICStrong but LLS (Living Lifr Stronger) Tis my friend Cady's motto and I am adopting it on top of everything I already believe in.

Change is good. I would have never said that ten years ago. Talk about growth.


Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Time's Run Out

[Tuesday ♥ 06/05/12 ♥ 13:18PM]

I like this mobile app... I'm laying in bed and I can update this. My head is all over the place. 41 days and I'm moving to my new home San Antonio, TX. Never in a million years did I picture this but I'm ready. I have a place, going back to school, but I wish I had a job I could jump for joy about.

As much as its been challenging, I'm gonna miss my job mostly my co workers. I feel guilty at times thinking about the life I lead and walking away from it and not knowing what my life will be like in TX. I started looking Into the police academy... I've always wanted to be a part of law enforcement... But now I fear little things are gonna keep me from getting there... Like my knees ><

I'm gonna miss my family and friends...

Lots of emotions today.

But overall things have been good. Running races and keeping up with that goal. One step, one day at a time.

I have the day off... It's time to get up and go treat myself. L8ERS

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Time's Run Out

Struggles... [Monday ♥ 02/06/12 ♥ 11:33AM]
[ mood | depressed ]

This year has been going so well...and it's like all of a sudden the past is back to haunt me. It's as if it thought i needed a reminder about what happened...when in reality..i work WHERE it happened.. I have to RELIVE it every time i'm there...i don't need reminders, the triggers are EVERYWHERE.

I was finally in a good place though. Time will heal things and eventually things feel like they go back to normal. I was getting good at forgetting...not be haunted..sleeping...not feeling guilty. Until this all popped up again. And in August it caught me by surprise...but no one called me, no one said anything...so for 6 months i thought i was off the hook again.

WRONG!!!! That damn phone call Thursday changed everything. And now i feel like i'm right back to square one. Crying all the time...eating my emotions...drinking..and worse not sleeping. But what makes it EXTRA hard is the fact that i can't talk about it to anyone. Besides people that were there that day. Uh thanks...but how am i supposed to get support around this?

And a YEAR from now? I gotta be reminded of all this for a year...crying, worrying, and feeling guilty, saddened, angry...for a YEAR?! And what about the new adventure i'm trying to go on...just throw a wrench in it. Flying back?

It's as if my life may never find peace. And that if i do get to a place, something will pop up again to remind me all over again.

I just want to forget...

I wish i could just be numb...

And i wish it didn't hurt so bad...

I just want to yell a big FUCK YOU!I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. I wish no one ever had to go through things like this. But it can't be all roses and sunshine, right? Ya know..i don't live my life with regrets, just life lessons. And i have learned a lot from this...but i don't want to learn anymore. Not this way, not with this... And i can't regret this because i didn't do anything. And hind sight is 20/20...and i wish i could go back and do things different. But we don't live in a world of "What ifs" because then you don't heal...and you put blame on things...and you give yourself a reason to be angry with the world.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I make choices everyday. And she made hers. So why is my life being impacted so much?

Two things i tell the kids they have to ACCEPT in order to make it through life... 1) Life isn't fair... 2) Authority is always above you. I guess i gotta walk my talk because Life isn't fair...and this was the life i was given and i must accept that this incident happened in my life for a reason...and though i may never learn why.... I am strong enough to get through it. L8ERS

Time's Run Out

Purposes... [Wednesday ♥ 02/01/12 ♥ 23:19PM]
Believe it or not...it is Feb 1st of 2012...

And yes there was only one journal entry to last year.

Surprisingly though...there were so many life changing things that happened last year and I am saddened that i didn't write about them. I didn't have an urge to..it was almost like i wanted to rememeber on my own without the aid of some new technological device..yet we all know i've been writing in this thing for 11 years now...

I don't even think i can recall it all. Nicole and i stopped living together...it hadn't ended very pretty either, but we have sense apologized for the nonsense...and although it will never be like it was...at least i didn't feel this awkwardness anymore and at least the communication lines are open for discussion.

I moved in with 2 boys into a fancy house North of Fort Collins...it was only a year or two old. Bigger and better than anything i could hope to afford in the next few years. Three bedrooms...two and a half bath...a kitchen that i could throw a party in alone..and a two car garage. Chris and Rhasheed were awesome. I definitely couldn't have asked for a better male experience. Boys who cook AND clean...winning! I was saddended when we all moved out in May.

I went snowboarding for the first time!!! My friend Megan is all about fulfilling my firsts in the adventure aspect of the world! I can do toe side real well..gotta get heal side down. I bought a bunch of my own equipment so im hoping to get some time on the mountain real soon.

I started playing football again that Spring. I played with an amazing group of girls. Protected from energy and was in the best shape since i can remember! I was so utterly heartbroken when things had to end do to fault ownership of the league. The Colorado Ice kept my football spirits alive and i can't thank those boys enough for being there for me and supporting me through everything.

I visited Houston at the end of July...i was dying to travel and had promised my #1 hater a visit after he left. It was cool but i unfortunately was sick...a sickness that plagued me FIVE times last year...with no answers. And i learned a hearty lesson about NEVER partying til the plane again. And some co-workers so humorously pointed out that my "i'm expecting" excuse for my continuous throwing up was not helpful smelling of alcohol and a hard night of partying..bahahaa! oh my life

And lets not forget my fun adventure of becoming a female bouncer/security guard. Probably one of the best and coolest things I've ever done. And it opened up an entire arena for my new life style. KM is one of the most down to earth people i have ever met...and he opened the door to a whole new world i don't think i could have ever imagined. Including WM...it's taught me that they're not only known world wide, but they're human, with huge hearts who welcomed little ole me into their lives. I'm honored. I am the Jenga Master...even if i should never play when i'm drunk. I'm grateful for taking risks and living my life. This journey has been incredible. AND i can't say enough about the boys i work with...love them ALL!

My love of the Broncos and football is deeper than ever thanks to my experiences...including THREE games this year... and the people who made it possible. My girl Cady is definitely a big part of that! And the welcoming and embracing from the Green Ranger are also always appreciated! And although it happened this year..Papi and allowing me to sit in a Suite for a Nuggets game...my life is so fulfilled right now!

I did manage to climb my FOURTH 14er...we did Quandry last year and I was honored to have JJ and Danny continue with me..but also welcomed Rachel, her brother Nathan, and MY little brother Jay! It was tough dealing with everything with my lungs..and of course i regret it every step of the way..but nothing beats getting to the top and feeling so accomplished! August of 2011 was a good month to me!

One of the biggest adventures of all icluded my two WEEK trip to Europe with my coworker JJ. She has been such an inspiration to me and her friendship is so unbelievably invaluable. She and ai traveled for a week traversing across London...Amsterdam... and Prague. Three countries. London was the easiest obviously because i speak the same language...Amsterdam was so overwhelming...Prague was the most beautiful city i think i've ever seen. So many laughs..plenty of tears...dancing it up..and of course i met Steve. A gorgeous bouncer from the club in London who i met with my witty sense of humor and bet with JJ about if people over there know how to Dougie bahaha. I also got to see my childhood friends Jazzy and Albert! Then i spent a week in Germany with Keith and Tiffany. It was awesome visiting my brother and sister-in-law in the country they've been living in for 3 years..but i was sick for most of it. But we did exploring of castles and the country side. Took a day trip to the Rhine Falls in Switzerland! An abolustely unforgettable trip...came home with upwards of 800 photos from the trip. Seeing famous painters...castles..bridges... Anne Frank's house, a concentration camp, museums...the list just goes on! I really hope to visit again some day.

Anthony turned 21 in October...we had a blast that weekend spending it in Vegas and with good friends. I even surprised him by flying Jay out and we partied Zoo Crew style. It was also Chris and I's first trip together. I was the Sun Drop Girl and it was by far one of my faves and most comfortable costume ideas! I even went down a Zip Line for the first time..simply exhilarating!

Mom and i fought. For nearly two months we didn't speak and i almost lost her because of it. I'll never do a childish thing like that again...and i think my family is stronger and doing better than ever. Losing the house in January was hard but they've established themselves and come a long way. Anthony is growing up to be an incredible man and Jay is slowly but surely finding his footing in the world. I know they will both do incredible things.

And i guess to round this out...i finally took the GRE. THe dreaded test i've been avoiding for 2 and a half years. On top of that..i applied to grad school. Still waiting word but i'm hoping patience is a virtue.

I'm sure i've forgotten something in this re-cap...but it's not bad for having to remember an entire year that impacted my life. I can only say that 2012 is already on a roll for being so much better. I'm happy with where i'm at and the people on my life. And i'm hoping to keep more up to date on this thing this year.. cuz it is a tragedy that more of these experiences aren't filled with the details and laughters i've experienced over the last year.

Toodles... L8ERS :)

Time's Run Out

RIP Sept 21, 1986 - March 19, 2011 [Monday ♥ 03/28/11 ♥ 02:30AM]
[ mood | indescribable ]

Zachary "Lee" Twiss,

I smile only because you always put your middle name in quotes because it was the nickname that everyone called me, only spelled differently. My mom told me I should write you like we did when we were kids and hopefully it would help take away the complete and utter saddness i feel right now.

You remember how we met, man? The 7th grade....11 years ago. So throw back. You were my middle school boyfriend for like two weeks. Solid time frame if you ask me. We were an awkward mismatched pair, haha. But it was really the slap heard round the world that changed everything. Standing on that hill at Emerson Edison...i thought you called me fat. So i did what any self-respecting female should do, or so i thought, i slapped you. And then ran off crying into the school building. Only to find out later that's not what you had said at all. I don't even remember now but i remember getting your phone number and calling to apologize. That was the beginning of all our late night phones...our letters say it was like 10 pm when we would finally get off the phone, but i know it felt like something past midnight.

Lol..the phone call that comes to mind always is how we thought phones were being tapped and that the government would come to get us if they heard us say anything about Osama Bin Laden...so we always hid it in something else like.."Have you spoken to Professor BIIIINNNNNNNNNN" today. I would die laughing everytime you said it. "I went down Laden street the other day..." hahahah Or our endless hours talking about the Real World. I’ll never forget how excited I was when it landed in Las Vegas.

How about all our Friday and Saturday night in Skate City? You are the reason i love to skate til this day, though you loved your roller blades i will forever be a quad style skater. And i still to this day have the Rose you gave me when we celebrated my 13th birthday there.

The saddest day ever came when you had to move back to Vegas. I remember writing you a poem that basically summed up our entire lives. And i read it the other day, i'll post it here, only because i think it sums up the exact way a 7th grader writes.

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time
I slapped this dude
Don’t ask me why
I was in one of those moods

I called my friend
To get his number
It happened sometime
After December

I called him up
To say I was sorry
He started laughing
At something funny

That night we talked for hours
At least til 10:00 o’clock
He was one of the guys
The ones who like to tak

I called him everynight
Just to say what’s up
One day he told me
He had gotten a pup

It’s the end of the year now
To think we’ve gone so far
You’re leaving on the last day
But not by your car

You’re leaving Colorado behind
To go back to Las Vegas
You left the very next day
We knew you would miss us

I remember saing
We’re gonna talk all night
Then I called you
Your voice gave me a fright

You told me your dad
Was making you go with him
Tears of sadness
Were rising on my rim

You told me to call you
The very next day
I slept in late
I regretfully say

I knew you were gone
So I got real sad
There was one thing I could do
But it would make my mom mad

I would call you long distance
Not sure if you would answer
When you did
I responded with great laughter

We talked for about 10 minutes
With tears still in my eyes
You cheered me up
But I still wanted to cry

Because you weren’t coming
Back tomorrow
The new year begins
With lots and lots of sorrow

Never coming off
Bus 20 every again
The bus wouldn’t be the same
Like an old can or tin

The place where you used to sit
On that old wooden log
Your figure we can see
Only when there’s smog

Now it’s time to end.
It’ll get a lemon lime
Remember this story
Began with once upon a time!

Corny, I know, but you loved it. Some of it rings true even today..because now you’re really gone. I got out all the letters you wrote me after you left and laughed because they were written just like you. I can hear you as if you were standing next to me reading them.

I remember we would always lose touch for some time. And my sophomore year in high school I had lost touch with myself. I didn’t know how to find the old me. And out of the blue after like 6 months, you called. It was like old times. You were the missing piece to my puzzle. The one thing that always made things right. I cherish you so much and not a day goes by that I wouldn’t think of you. After all, my passwords for everything these days are because of you.

The last time I got to physically see you was my first trip to Vegas in 09. You met up with us on a Tuesday and took us around the city. That tattoo shop my friend wanted to see. We pranced around the Palms talking about all our Real World information. Dinner at Dicks and the paper condoms they made us put on our heads. The awesome way you asked if I’d seen the Bellagio fountain and when I responded with a no, you simply put your hazards on in the middle of Las Vegas Blvd. and let me watch. Epic to say the least. That was us…Epic. I’ll never forget listening to your story about the car accident, and how thankful you were for a second chance at life. Life is Beautiful you kept repeating. That was going to be your next tattoo, and living true to your word, you got it done.

This is us. Timeless. A friendship that surpassed all things…distance, time, it didn’t matter because we still meant the same to each other as we did on day one. I could tell you anything. You hold some of my darkest secrets and I yours. Nothing will replace you and even now as I write this my heart is heavy. I’m numb dude because it’s too surreal. I keep wanting to close my eyes and secretly hope that when I open them you’ll be there. I want someone to shake me and tell me this isn’t real… when Lizzy texted me on Friday to tell me. I froze and was in so much disbelief. And even with the paper in front of my eyes, I couldn’t believe it. Choking and crying at the same time, running around, trying to erase those minutes before I even knew. I’m saddened because I found out as your funeral was happening. I jumped in my car and raced home, just to be in the same city as all your loved ones.

I keep frantically going through boxes looking for any reminiscence that you still exist only to find memories and no hope of a future. It makes me so sick because we had so many plans…so many jokes we still hadn’t lived yet. You’re so young and I ache just wondering how someone so amazing could just not be here today. It scares me. Who will I go to now? Who will laugh with me about all our jokes the way we used to? Or pick things up right where we left them no matter how much time went by? Who will ever understand me the way you did?

My “what ifs?” and questions will never be answered. What I do know was this definitely wasn’t goodbye. You remember that? We were never about that no matter how many times we were separated. It was always an “I’ll see you soon!” Life is Beautiful but not quite as beautiful without you in it. And I plan on getting that tatted on me, to take a piece of you with me always. You will never know how much I miss you. You left a footprint in my sand and a fingerprint so deep it can never be erased. And the moments I want to pick up a phone to call you…I will write you here, because I know you’ll always be around to get my letters. And one day when we meet again, I know you’ll apologize for having taken so long to get back to me, just like you always ended your letters. And I promise to still share exciting news with you just like I always did.

With all my love,

Li aka your best friend that is a girl, lol

Time's Run Out

[Friday ♥ 12/31/10 ♥ 10:27AM]

Strike that! Colorado weather on yesterday and closed down the interstate! So i'm off to Denver to celebrate with Chris and the gang!!

Time's Run Out

2K11 [Thursday ♥ 12/30/10 ♥ 13:21PM]

Lots to update about, and I will once the New Year hits!

I'm off to Vegas!!! See ya 2010 Colorado, and Hellooooooo 2K11 Vegas!!!!!!!!

Time's Run Out

EPICtober [Tuesday ♥ 11/02/10 ♥ 21:39PM]
I can't believe October is over. I had such an amazing month with some bumps along the way.

Keith and Tiffany came home! I am so utterly sad they are gone and really need to get my ass out to Germany next Spring.

My first weekend with them here, Keith landed and flew to Vegas with his boys. I drove down on a Thursday to Denver and hung out with Chris. We had a fun night at the Cowboy lounge. "BINGO YOU SAID IT". Homeless people can be very interesting sometimes. But it was also sort of scary cuz Chris got pulled over, though he only had like one drink, we both were freaking out. Tiffany picked me up the next morning and we headed to the Hot Springs in Idaho Springs! It was fun and really nice to just to get some one on one time. Though she was getting super hounded by people wishing they had visited her first. We went to a hot pool cuz the caves were scary and had naked people! We walked to grab dinner and then worked out. We feel asleep super early and woke up early to work out some more. We got some breakfast, went to the mineral pool, and then packed up to leave. We went to Blackhawk for the first time. We gambled put it was like old people ville...so we came back to the city to grab dinner and then departed. I came back to the Fort and danced the night away.

Lots of football practices and conditionng happened this month. I kicked my ass hardcore to get in shape for Halloween and lost 7 lbs at the end of it all. Quite impressed. I took a break and am about to jump into it until LA. Small goals seem to be the way to go for me!

The next weekend i went down late on Thursday. I woke up and went to Chris' mom's house to play board games. It's always fun getting to spend time with his amily. They're great people. Then i met up with some friends from high school and went to the Mitchell vs. Wasson game. It was so intense like the old days...but we won the helmet for the second year in a row by one point! The stands were so empty though I was sad not to see the rivalry like it used ot be. I took a long nap and then met up with Lizzy. We picked up Chris and went to Copperhead. Oh my gosh i got jacked up haha. My lil bro Jay came too. I ended up crashing at Lizzy's cuz i could not get myself together, lol The next day i woke up and got ready for Thayne's wedding. The groom apparently needed a Mountain Dew, diet mind you, and since I'm basically like all of my older brother's friend's little sister they never had(Keith was the BM), i ran to go pick it up. The wedding was beautiful. Afterwards, we drove to pick up the wedding gift and I got a new phone. Tiffany and I drove up to the Academy where the reception was being held. We stole a Ken Buck sign since that was our running theme for the month, haha. My family basically made the wedding amazing. Anthony and his krumping and all of our dance moves. It was an awesome setting to bring everyone together. I'm sad Jay didn't go to the reception but he forgot to RSVP.

I worked every Sunday so i usually had to take off the next day to drive back up to the Fort. I partied that Wednesday like most Wednesday's with Ashley and Kayla. I got so smashed that night because this guy thought i was beautiful and just wanted to keep buying me drinks. I headed my experience from New Orleans and was at the bar, but still! I ended up crashing at Ashley's that night. My older bro came up the next night! It was so much fun...and we were joined by Sallie, Adrianne, and JJ! My bro definitely had a blast just letting go. We crashed and drove down in separate cars but together. We were so exhausted we stayed in that night and just watched scary yet really disturbing movie with mom and Anthony. The next day Anthony and I went on a shopping excursion. Then i met up with Jess and Kelsey for JJ's bout in the Springs. I love Roller Derby but they got crushed pretty bad. I then left and met up with Keith and Jay at Coppeadroad! It was nuts and Keith decided he wanted more fun so we went to the Strip club! It closed and we went to the next and it was closed so we went to De Ja Vu. It was an efin blast with my bros...but when we were leaving I noticed my car's window was smashed with a rock the size of a head and they stole my iPod. They had also smashed a Lexus' window. It sucked so much and i didn't even get home til 6am. UGH!!!!! I still am so upset about it all.

I still had work the next day. Got the window fixed on Monday. Tiffany had been in Kansas visiting friends that whole weekend and that's why she wasn't around for the EPICNess of that weekend. But it was time for Halloween weekend!

On Wednesday my mom and uncle came up. My mom dressed up and went out with me and Ashley. We celebrated Kayla's birthday but i had work at 7am so it was not a late night. Definitely took the night off from being Burlesque and was 80s Bunnies with Ashley. That was totally a kick butt night. We went out and rocked it on Friday too. I woke up the next day and drove home to say good bye to my family. We played video games and then went to Fargos for the birthday party. We dressed up and MAN, by the end of the night...i will not wear a corset for a very very long time. Tiffany, Mike, Keith and I went out to the Mansion afterwards. It used to be clled Rumbay. We were done early and i was actually a little thankful for it cuz i was n so much pain. I said my good byes to Keith and Tiff and then crashed on the couch. I woke up the next morning and then met my Mom and Uncle at the Dublin House to watch some football and then i drove back to the Fort!

Definitely an EPIC month. My fingers hurt now..so i'm outties. Epicstrong baby! 8 days til LA! Wooooo L8ERS

1 Flipped The Hour GlassTime's Run Out

September! [Thursday ♥ 09/23/10 ♥ 15:16PM]
[ mood | calm ]

Welps...another month gone and a lot to look back on.

Work is the number one thing I'm struggling with. The anniversary of the death this year just brought me out of my denial stage. It sucks so much, to think about everything i didn't work through and the way my brain works....i hate my irrational mind in comparison to my rational mind. They don't work in conjunction with each other, obviously...but it tears me up inside. Thankfully, on the actually day, i went to Denver to spend time with Chris. We went to the driving range and i tried out the new golf club i bought. Then we went to a rockies game with his whole family that we WON! I was stoked..we were a little lame that night though and decided to just get some pizza and went home. No stake out by cops!!!

The next day i tried out for the FFL! It was so awesome to be back on the field again. I have not run timed sprints since high school...but i wasn't too bad for a bigger woman after three knee surgeries. I made the team! WOOOO And boy was i so sore the days following it. I'm really nervous overall for the experience of tackle football again. I just dont want to get hurt again...but i can't think like that because then it will happen. First practice is Oct 2nd...so look for updates on it.

Soon after that i went to the NOLA baby!!! I went with Jordanna, Jenny, and Rachel. Awesome awesome co-workers. I love all my co-workers actually, but you can't just bring everyone. Going to the airport was so much fun alone. Buying shooters and listening to shots in the terminal! AWESOME...we arrived a little after 11pm at the hotel. Dropped our stuff off and then went exploring alittle. We got some pizza at this Jester place on Bourbon St and then crashed. We had to get up early for our volunteer project on Thursday morning.

I'm so glad we did it. We helped a gentleman rebuild his house. It was heartbreaking listening to his story and the stories of other people in New Orleans. I learned how to build a Drive way! Painted and dropped a bath tub on my hand, lol And worked on clearing out the cracks of a hardwood floor. The guy's name is Dwayne Johnson and i hope i get to go back and either continue working on it or see the finished project! His son was even nice enough to drive us to lunch. On the way back, i got to stop at the ORIGINAL REAL WORLD NEW ORLEANS house! I was so stoked...and took tons of pictures of course. I didn't get to see the new season, but there's always next time. We got done that day and all crashed out. We got up, got dressed and then found a place to eat. We just traveled the streets with bottles in our hand and had a ton of fun. JJ and i created rail road porn. We even made it all the way to the Mississippi River. It was the first time i think i was confronted and cried about what happened a year ago. And it was good to because i learned a lot from Rachel who was working with me that day. It took a lot out of us. But i would say the one snap shot in my head i would take with me is the four of us squatting and peeing off into the River, LOL! We traveled back into town, and found another bar. JJ and i played connect four and sat outside. She beat me 8-7...and then she got sick. SO we took a cab home and crashed.

Friday we slept in and was just super lazy. We got food and did tons of napping. We even hit up the pool and JJ and i created Aquatic Water SHow Girl sport, lol. LOVE IT! We got dressed, grabbed dinner and then went to the first of TWO Burlesque shows. I loved it because all shapes and sizes do it. It's classy and beautiful! There were even men! I couldn't for the life of me keep a buzz though. Most of us were just so warn out from the day before, that we called it an early night.

Saturday we slept in. We got dressed and did some day time exploring. Soooo many amazing galleries. We saw a random parade for someone's 60th birthday. We also did some shopping. I didn't really buy anything but enjoyed just walking around. Then we came back and got ready for the Burlesque show. SO awesome once again. It was the main event and they were crowning the Queen of Burlesque. They had these fans with Christina Aguilara and Cher's faces on them. Definitely became EPIC props for the trip. We took so many random pictures with them everywhere. I bought a feather fan and truly have a new love for Burlesque. That night we decided to travel Bourbon Street. It was so hot and humid but the WORST on that street. Plus it smelled horrible. We danced and partied at a place called Razoos. I loooooooooooved the Souther boys! They are just so cute and polite and yeah, haha. I met a guy named Teron and he later left me a voicemail the next day singing to me. SO cute! We went back to the hotel so JJ could change her shoes...Jenny and Rachel decided to stay in for the night. I decided to stop drinking because it was expensive and I could not even keep a Buzz...We went out dancing some more and at the end of the night i met a guy that was cute and nice. We went to another place to keep dancing...and long story short. I got roofied. And the only reason i knew was because with a few sips of a beer, i KNEW i could not be feeling like i had had 900. We got out of there fast when he went to the bathroom. I was safe. And we crashed i think at about 5:30am, lol

The next day we woke up about 11am...and had check out at noon. We left our stuff and went exploring for a few more hours before returning to the airport. I wish we had more time but i appreciate getting away for a bit.

I cant wait for my next trip to LA in Nov and for tiffy and keith to come home in Oct!

I think that's about all the typing my fingers can handle for now. L8ERS

Time's Run Out

No Excuses... [Tuesday ♥ 08/31/10 ♥ 01:20AM]
Welps, a month has gone by and overall I would say it's been productive.

Lots of working and going out dancing. I finally started eating better again and getting work outs in. Surprisingly and something I've known all along, my mental health is doing really well. I've felt better able to prepare for the blows I've gotten this month.

Family did pass inspection....woo. But they've told mom she has to get rid of two of the three dogs. She's devastated, so trying to be there for her has been a pickle. Let's not forget to mention that a week ago mom had what she thought was a bug bite under her arm....well after the 2nd ER visit, and a second draining, she has MRSA. UGH..i balled. It's deadly, but so far she says she's doing okay so i'm hoping everything will be okay.

Nicole came to me and told me she was homesick and is moving back to the Springs. Originally in Oct but now Nov...i'm still shocked, stunned, and devastated. I don't want to go through the process of looking for someone new but i'm stuck in a pickle because i can't afford to live on my own. UGH...the dilemma

On Aug 19th...my co-workers Danny, Jordanna, and myself climbed Grays!!!!! It was my third 14er and I'm quite proud that i summited. It was hard...and i was aching all day. But one foot at a time, one inch...i made it. It was cold too, so when we got to the top we couldn't see anything but grey because it was covered in clouds. Fitting for it's title though, lol. And we did it in a super fast time too! We were at the top by 11am! We were supposed to do Torreys as well, but it was cold and we weren't so prepared. Not too mention my knees were donzo. Til next year!

Went camping with Megan a week ago and dodged Felony Possession charges. Ugh, lol It was cool being in Roosevelt National Forest up at Red Feather Lakes because i'd never been there before..but it was quite the dosey. I've never been more thankful for my CSU education until then! lol I've also had some more lake action and got to Wake Surf for the second time. I absolutely love being on the lake and am so thankful for it being a part of my life.

Marvin...well donzo for the day! Met his gf of over a year on Thurs with Chris and Ashley. Yeah..i was heated but it made so much make since. Why everything felt like it had to be on his time, incidents from this summer...a girl can be naive for someone she really cares about. Chop it up to life lessons!

Speaking of Chris! He came up to visit for two days at the end of last week and it was awesome. We partied like rockstars...went to the driving range (i loved it so much i bought a 3 wood today to go more often), and went rollerskating. It truly made my day having him around. It's all about the Beard Swag....AYYYY GIRL! I GOT HANDSANITIZER! Lmao, i heart him.

Haha, lots of randoms this month too. Sex toy parties and i started a Hip Hop class! Why those belonged in the same sentence i have no idea. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd i'm gonna do Fantasy Football at work this year! SO STOKED!

Welps, that's my update for the day i suppose. Lots to come this month so we'll see how i'll hold up. NOLA in 16 days!!! L8ERS

1 Flipped The Hour GlassTime's Run Out

Inspection [Sunday ♥ 08/01/10 ♥ 01:06AM]

Oh that wonderful time of the year...NOT. I really haven't had to deal with it for some years now but I guess they kept getting dinged for some stuff in my room. I decided it was tome to finally go through it and get rid if some stuff. Six hours later and I still haven't finished. Lots of emotions as well... So many memories. All the posters are off the walls but I still need to go through the book shelves of paperwork and a few boxes my mom had stashed in the garage. All the clothes have been donated and the toys still need to be gone through. I didn't realize I had so much stuff.. It's at least inspection ready now and I'll make another trip down to finish the rest sometime soon.

It's been a fun day though. Reliving memories with the madre and hanging withthe little bro. Plus I just had some catch up time with c Joe. Went to old cs where Kevin robinson met up with us. Even ran into coach malloy. I'd say it was a productive trip home. I'm exhausted though.

Life is okay right now. Mood wise I'm down but life wise is good. Not as much lake time lately Which makes me sad but I did go to water world with the bros and jj last weekend. Wicked fun.

I want to write about a certain someonewho has beenon my life for a little under a month and a half but I'm afraid to. Everytime I say it here i jinx it but he deserves honorable mention. His name is Marvin and I've known him for a while. More like known of him and seen him out And about. We ran into each other at a pool party on like june 21st. We've been hanging out ever since. I like him a lot for many reasons. How he challenges me, his smile, I just genuinely dig the time I get to spend with him. And for as much as I hate it, how slow things are going. I tend to rush things, but it's nice. I just wanna mean more than just the girl he's hanging out with, ya know?

Well I don't wanna mention more. Hahaha who knows what the next post will talk about. Hopefully good tthings between us. I wrote him a letter and gave it to him last night so hopefully it goes over well.

For now I'm Going read some, a good book called she's come undone by Wally lamb. One of my co workers gave it to me to read. Then I'm going to bed because I have that awesome two hour trek back to the fort for work tomorrow night wooooo !! Haha L8ers

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Time's Run Out

Easy Breezin [Monday ♥ 07/12/10 ♥ 21:35PM]
[ mood | chipper ]

Life lately has been incredible...which is always what makes it so funny.

About four weeks ago now, i was at the lake..kind of my favorite thing to do this summer. We went cliff jumpin. My gosh i was scared out of my mind and didn't think i could do it, but with some encouraging from good peeps, I did it twice and have some wicked cool pics.

The next weekend, Chris invited me with some of his family to go white water rafting. It was insane and nice to get away for two nights. Lots of new people and always fun to spend time with Chris. I love his family too.

Then, the 4th of july weekend was just nuts. I'm sad my family didn't come up but my lil bro finally got a job so that's a plus. Anywho...a night out in Denver with some of the girls from work and Jess...into camping at the lake. Sat night one of the fireworks went off too low and we had to all come together to put out a field fire. I worked on Sunday, but then i went back out there that night. Oh man, MOnday i got to go SURFIN!!!! It's amazing...short board, Tige boats..and waves for days! I want a boat so bad now. I did some more cliff jumpin too..all in my new bikini swim suit. It feels good...feels alive.

I went to a Rockies game on Friday with chris...we celebrated the amazing win with drinks at LoDos. It's jut so different than before. Then we got staked out by cops for TWO and a HALF HOURS! It was nuts...while we were sleeping in the van, walking to get pizza..they just kept following us. DIdn't get home til close til 5am. Just nuts, but always stories with Chris, haha

Life has been treating me well lately so i hope it continues. I went to Turbo tonight and loved it. I dunno what took me so long to get back. Well, i wanted to do a quick update. I still want to say that men are confusing no matter how "simplistic" they claim to be! Ugh, haha


Time's Run Out

[Tuesday ♥ 06/22/10 ♥ 13:27PM]
I wore a Bikini yesterday....

and ROCKED IT!!! Oh, i'm excited! And also don't care what anyone thinks :)

That is all...

Time's Run Out

Papa Smurf [Thursday ♥ 06/17/10 ♥ 08:40AM]
I bought a car yesterday!!!!

I didn't get to play yet because I immediately took it in to get some minor things fixed but I'll be picking it up in a few minutes and I couldn't be more stoked!

It's a 99 Nissan Sentra... and i gave it its name because it's blue like a Smurf..but everyone including the banks and the dealership kept calling it too old for financing, or for a warranty...blah blah blah..so Papa Smurf it was! :)

Time's Run Out

Airplanes... [Monday ♥ 06/14/10 ♥ 18:06PM]
[ mood | listless ]

It's been ions since i've updated. Literally months have spanned since I looked at this thing. My life...hasn't been anything ive wanted to update about, nothing worth updating about.

I don't even remember what the last post said...

April sticks out in my head...right when things were going downhill..i met a guy and thought it was pretty cool. I remembered what it was like to feel wanted, being in the presence of someone else...it felt amazing. But it as definitely short lived. Why i sacrifice so much of me for someone else is beyond me...likei have buy affection in hopes that someone will stick around. A rare cheap prostitute with no kick back? Gosh, that's what it felt like...

I remember in one day when he walked away, i worked, got a flat tire in the rain on my way home...and had my digital camera stolen. I thought i was going to lose my damn mind...man i haven't felt so bad in so long...just at the bottom of the barrel...I thought getting out of town would be the perfect fix...

At the beginning of May i took of for Ohio to visit Felicia. It was really good to see her but Ohio is not one of those places I wanted to stay for long. Definitely nice to just unplug somewhere else.

I also did the May challenge. I wanted to go the whole month without drinking to see if i could save money and lose weight again...but also to see if i may of had a problem. No problem...definitely rough to get through all the graduation celebrations, but i don't have a problem, lol But i lost some weight but did not save Money...i just funneled it through to say some new clothes.

Then..right at the end of May..the accident happened. I rear ended someone on I 25... Blinkie is gone. The other vehicle just had some damage on the back bumper. My hip hurt really bad...and i finally saw a doctor and they thought it was some muscle damage. Has kept me from working out. And trying to get a new car and financed has been the most depressing things to come to life as of yet this year.

I was training for the FBI...but for once in my life, it felt like a goal i couldn't attain. LIke it would always just be out of reach. Not even wishing on airplanes as i they're shooting stars has made life go right thus far.

As mmuch as my friend Ashley says i should just think positive...nothing right now is making that easy.. I don't feel like i'm in a "grown up" place in life, i don't feel anything but sad, and wanting to cry ALL THE TIME...

I have days off and just want to sleep. No one is here now that school is out...and yet again another wave of change, and not being in a place in my life i thought i would be because I DONT KNOW WHAT I WANNA DO...and i'm stuck...stuck stuck stuck stuck. And then i make casual decisons with men who want nothing more from me than just that. And i would like to believe that's all i wanted to..but it appears that just a brief few moments of a connection are something than the nothing i receive everyday...

Though it's been nice to have good weather and finally being able to go back to the lake. Being closer to my fam than ever and having Keith home from Afghanistan. I had nice company today and a good talk...i miss that. Used to happen all the time in school. How will i find it again through all the challenges right now?

Welps, this is about as much as my listless self has to write about. Maybe or maybe not will be back to update again soon. L8ERS

And just for personal recap..

Time's Run Out

iPod [Monday ♥ 03/08/10 ♥ 19:27PM]

Wooooo! I just got a new iPod that will let me post here no matter where I am. Let's hope I post more now

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Time's Run Out

Doot Doot [Thursday ♥ 03/04/10 ♥ 16:05PM]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Welps…yesterday went swimmingly…for about as much as it possibly could.

I woke up relatively early seeing as how I really didn’t have much to do yesterday. I woke up at 10am and scrambled to get my room clean cuz the bug guy was coming at 11am. Colia and I chatted a bit and watched tv. After the bug guy came, Colia left to go to Greeley.

I chatted with Keith on facebook and then Tiffany jumped on too. When Keith left, Tiffany and I skyped. She read me all these motivational cards and tried her best to get my butt up and moving.

I took a shower and then headed off to my staff meeting. That’s always productive and nice two hours to get paid for. I stopped by Jamba Juice only because it makes me feel better and had been awhile since I treated myself to some yummyness. I went to the bank and deposited a check I was supposed to and filled up at the gas station. I went home and sat on the couch for a bit.

Ashley called and we decided to get together around 6ish. I threw in a load of laundry on the way to her house and then headed over. It’s always a good time when we hang out. She made dinner and she caught up on my Vegas trip, which I suppose I still gotta update about. Maybe I’ll do that this evening…or even put a snippet of it in now since I have the time. Anywho, we talked about boys, switched over my laundry, watched some HGTV, listened to throw back music from the 80s and early 90s, watched some videos, chatted on facebook, and then finally around midnight it was time for me to crash since I had work today at 7am.

I’d say it was a pretty accomplished day because I didn’t sleep it away and actually got stuff I needed to do done and made time for some fun.

I’m at work now and all the kids are down at CD (Chemical Dependency) group. My other co-worker decided she wanted to go to it so I get to chill back on the unit. Why I’m not taking a nap is beyond me. Perhaps I should do that and then I’ll update Vegas tonight. Toodles

Time's Run Out

UGH [Tuesday ♥ 03/02/10 ♥ 21:13PM]
[ mood | determined ]

I am absolutely fed up with living life like this...i'm at the point where I have got to do WHATEVER it takes to get out fo this rut... not tired, not being lazy, not looking down on myself, nothing dangit...i want to LIVE my life, and love it! After all, it's all you can really do. And right now precious moments, hours..are wasting away because my dumb chemical imbalance in my head is telling me that's how i need to feel.

"Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the one's who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it."

“We all at certain times in our lives find ourselves broken. True strength is found in picking up the pieces.” ~Jill Pendley

Obviously my go to plan..uum, i wouldn't say it hasn't worked. i haven't used it. I've worked a lot a lot in the last couple of days that i haven't done it. And i need to. I was too tired to get up early enough to do morning yoga...and yeah. Being depressed means all i want to do is sleep...so i failed to go to work out class last night and just slept. Then i didn't wake up this morning...and i...Gosh. No excused. My life can not be run on excuses. I know what i need to do to make me happy, why aren't I doing it?

I swear..my life journey has helped me realize that things I thought should be easy for being to just pick up the pieces from and just move on...are not. And i was naive to think they were. Getting over someone over a breakup is not easy...and people will stumble and continuously go back to someone even if they're bad for them because they care. Just "beng happy" is not easy especially if some greater significant force is telling you otherwise.

I'm such an ass for all the times I was upset for people for those two things...for anything really that I didn't have the patience or compassion to help someone understand those things, but i truly didn't understand them.

My weekend was good though. Went to Denver to do some dancing...but my knees hurt, and i was too emo to really enjoy myself. That and right before i got there my Uncle called to say my Grandpa is in the hospital again...no bueno

Saturday was Chris' cousin Crystal's birthday party up here in the Fort. It was a super ton of fun..i did break lent but i wanted to not think about things and needed fun. His broha and sister came up and it was cool to get a chance to see them. That and Crystal's new boyfriend was super awesome and attempted to hook me up with a buddy of his. He was super cool, way hot..but totally still hung up on his ex. I'm not even gonna cross that threshold but I'm not gonna act like i'm not super bummed.

Today was a long shift at work and i was really lethargic to do anything. What am I gonna do with myself? WHERE DO I EVEN START?! Gosh, i wish someone had the answer...but it's a process..and a brand new journey I guess i need to embark on.

For all the wrongs, rights, ups, downs, restarts, and do-overs...here is my gosh darn best attempt! L8ERS

Time's Run Out

Then I did... [Thursday ♥ 02/25/10 ♥ 21:15PM]
[ mood | hopeful ]

I have hopefully created a morning and evening routine that will help me become grounded within myself.

I'm struggling...internally my insides are screaming at me and i feel like 1,000lbs. It's the worst feeling in the world and it takes every inch of me to find motivation to just get out of bed.

I don't know what's going on. I had a lot of downs hit me at once I guess. Really big fight with Chris, a car accident, having to have people come spray our apartment..it was like blow after blow...but i was able to make it through it all.

I just got back from Vegas with my lil bro Jay, and it was awesome getting to spend that time with him...i will update about our trip soon i hope, my fingers just couldn't do all that typing tonight.

But now that I'm back, everything seems to be crashing around me. Bills suck super much... and although work is good, and i should be thankful for just having a job... i am down.

I was mostly tearful all day yesterday. I feel so absolutely and utterly alone. I think i've been alone for a long time...i only surrounded myself in false environments where people were to hide the fact that I once again lost myself. I gave up on me..i put me aside...and i gave everything to others... i don't know how to start over again.

I can't even find the motivation to go to the gym..i just feel awful about myself. And of course i fall into the vicious cycle of feeling bad, so i eat...and then i feel even worse..so i eat even more. Gosh i want to jump on a new track... thinking back to almost two years ago.. i want to find that strength again. I know i have it within me..so i'm attempting to become more grounded.

In the mornings, for as much as i possibly can..i want to do AM yoga and open up with saying to help me get through the day.

In the evening, for as much as I possibly can... i want to do PM yoga, write in here and reflect on how the day went...and say the saying before i go to sleep.

We shall see how this goes. No pressure on myself because I always feel when I do that I'm doomed to fail. Here's to trying to find steps in the right direction. L8ERS

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